Went to my first drag show today! Bought the t-shirt to prove it (and because all proceeds go to my university’s LGBT resource center)! it was so nice to see all these people being exactly who they wanted to, and being celebrated for it. How wonderful it was to me, even though it was very strange, different, and sometimes uncomfortable, that’s exactly why I loved it. I left smiling and when I felt the urge to dance as I walked back alone, I did. I twirled under the streetlamps and let my arms flow like water by my sides. I felt free.
I saw Morgan, who I hadn’t talked to since first semester. I talked to her excitedly, hugged her multiple times, and I am going to text her next week to see if she is ever free. I am reaching out, damn it!
I had a lot of self realizations today, but I don’t want to talk about them. I think it might be because ED is over my shoulder right now, and I’m trying not to listen to him, but it is hard. I don’t understand what I did wrong today…
^ that is a common thought whenever ED is urging me and I’m not resisting. But I didn’t do anything wrong today. ED is always there, and he might appear in the happiest of times just because he can. It doesn’t matter when he shows up, just how I deal with him.
ED: You shouldn’t be eating that. You’re not even hungry. You’re eating because you don’t know how else to fix your broken, pathetic self. You don’t deserve that food.
Me: You’re right. I am eating more than I need. But I am not pathetic nor broken. And food is not a privilege, it is a necessity. I never have to “earn” my food. Food is fuel, not a prize.
ED: Yeah, well that’s way more “fuel” than you need, sweetheart. Did you see the way your stomach folded today? What, like three times? And don’t get me started on your back, that back fat underneath your bra strap, thank god you were wearing a sweater over that most of the day.
Me: To be honest, I’m not strong enough to fight you right now, and I think you know that. I felt disgusted by those things too. But that’s because of you, those are not my original feelings, they are yours. One day I will be able to separate them from myself completely.
ED: Ha well until then, good luck finding anybody to love you. No one will love you until you’re thin and pretty.
Me: …you’ve been telling me that for five years. Look at all the people who love me despite having you in my life. That is wrong, that will always be wrong, being thinner will not solve anything. My weight is not the problem here, you’re the problem. The End, ED.
These are bits and pieces from my main blog. I share what I think is recovery focused and might help others. I’m sharing this to stress the importance of SEPARATION!
And therefore, the importance of this book. It has changed the face of my recovery in many (wonderful) ways as I have said before, and will say again.